When someone makes you feel seen, heard and understood, you trust them and you invest in them. So how do you use this knowledge as a leader?
I learned the power of the phrase, “I see” from a book on developing classroom community by Ruth Charney just in time for my fifth year as a
From Charney’s book, I learned that just describing what you see holds people accountable for what they are doing without the weight of interpretation or judgment. As a teacher, I could just say out loud what I was seeing. “I see Jason facing forward and ready to learn. I see five children ready to learn. I see Ashley looking behind her.” This worked with other areas as well. “I see that you are working hard on your writing. I see how you are thinking about how to solve the problem.”
It changed everything!
For the first time I had a concrete nonjudgmental way of noticing and reacting to behaviors in the classroom. When my students knew I noticed what they were doing, they behaved as if I was watching them.
Just recently I was in a yoga class and the teacher called my name and cued me to shift my body slightly so that I was doing the position correctly. Not only did I appreciate the assistance learning the pose and doing it correctly, but I perked up knowing that the teacher saw me. In a room full of others doing the same thing, it is easy to feel invisible. By calling me by name and noticing my work, she made me feel that my presence in the room mattered. Though I wasn’t looking at her or in direct relationship with her, I felt her presence and in relationship to her.
Students don’t always feel the teacher’s presence if they are working individually, in small groups or in a workshop format. As part of a group, they can individually feel invisible to the teacher and that the little thing they do is unseen, unnoticed. This is true in other situations as well. When is the time that you thought you were unseen and unnoticed and someone acknowledging you would have made a big difference?
As I grew my leadership skills directing education programs, I developed a practice of writing to each person that I supervised on a regular basis. One sentence in one email of what I noticed happening for that staff member drew them closer into relationship with me. They knew I was seeing them and their work. In return, they valued what I had to say when I made suggestions or helped them think through a problem. It was a small thing that made a huge difference!
Who can you be acknowledging more in your life? It doesn’t have to be praise (that will be another post sometime), just acknowledgment. Just let them know that you see them, you notice them.
Here are some simple phrases you can adapt for your situation and try:
I see you.
I see what you are doing.
I see the effort you give.
I see that you try.
I see that you care.
I see that you really incorporated that feedback I gave you.
I notice you.
I notice the things you are doing.
I notice the qualities that show up in you.
I notice the contributions that you are making.
When you care enough to share what you see and notice about who someone is and what they are doing, you build trust and relationship. When people trust you, what you say carries more weight and your influence grows.
Try some of these phrases, or other ones that come to you and see what happens.
Contact me for a complimentary session to explore how you can grow your impact and influence in your settings.
A certified Positive Psychology coach, Leah works with people who want to upgrade their level of influence and impact to lead others towards a vision and a common goal. You can get in touch with her at steppingstoolcoaching.com
Mary’s story started with her arrival at her parents’ home and then looped to other times and places as her mind raced and words sped past my ears.
I recognized the nervous energy driving the storytelling. The voice is higher pitched, the words flow fast. I couldn’t see my client through the phone, but I easily imagined her energized tense upper body as she looped more memories into her story.
Two other clients that same week took similar detours and got lost in storyland trying to connect loose ends inside their thoughts. (I am known to do this myself! You too?) There is a kinetic nervous/excited energy that takes over and propels thoughts and words forward. The energy kicks into overdrive evading any discomfort in the body.
You might not present this way in a coaching session, but chances are you also have times when your thoughts are sprinting ahead of you, running through mazes of connections that keep you looping around the same ideas.
It happens when you are a little anxious about the story, the audience, or what you should be doing in that moment. You invest energy trying to think your way into a new situation. In a society that gives a lot of attention to language and talking heads, you scan your thoughts and your mind for ideas and solutions.
So often you are trying to analyze and control your thoughts and feelings that you completely bypass the emotions in your body and the important information that they can share with you. Sometimes you speed by those emotions intentionally because you don’t like the way that they feel.
Time after time, just guiding a client out of her mind and into her body (really into a mind/body integration) yields profound shifts during a coaching session. When the client is in her body, she connects with her own inner wisdom and insight. She is in her experience instead of talking about it. She is in touch with what she senses and feels. Instead of thinking about the concept of what is, she is living it.
Your conscious thoughts represent only a small percentage of what you know. Throughout the day, you collect a lot of implicit knowledge that goes under the radar of the linguistic brain. When your conscious brain is driving the thinking train, it moves slowly and more clumsily. In contrast your body stores a lot of implicit knowledge that you can access if you slow down and give it a chance to bubble to the surface.
How does this happen? The storytelling part of your brain is the part that analyzes, learns new concepts, thinks through problems and plans. It wants to fill in all the dots between what you have seen, heard and understood. It wants to create certainty and give you a why and how for the
When you settle into yourself and relax with your breathing, you allow the different parts of the brain to talk to each other and work together. You slow down the wordy part of your brain and access more of the information your body has learned from experiences.
To get unstuck and to get creative, you need to go out of your mind.
Get into your body. Get integrated.
Here are two kinds of tools that I use with my clients:
Slow down and Breathe.
Bringing your attention into the senses can also integrate the mind and body to become more resourceful.
Asking Mary to stop for a moment, breathe and then slowly go back to her story completely transformed the way she sounded and the way she showed up in the session. Her emotions rose to the surface and she started to have insights about what was really at the heart of the issue for her.
When my clients slow down and breathe, they get much more in touch with their intuition and wisdom. They uncover the root emotions and the cause at the heart of the quick language and storytelling. Once they have discovered it and named it, the power it holds over them diminishes. Instead, my clients develop the power to use that information in ways that serve them in living their values and reaching their goals.
Try it. The next time you want to get off the speeding train of your thoughts, try one of the exercises above. Then ask yourself a question and just listen. If the answer doesn’t come, breathe again and listen again. Notice how you are feeling.
What wisdom and insights bubble up to the surface?
When Mary allowed herself to feel the emotions that surfaced, she got clear about what was really bothering her and found real power in her authenticity.
What will you find?
What’s the feedback that you’re not giving your team members?
Why aren’t you dealing with it? What’s holding you back?
Are you not giving feedback because you feel that “they should already know what to be doing and not be doing? You shouldn’t have to explain it to them.”
Or is it because you don’t want to sound too critical or mean?
Or is it because you are hoping the issue will just resolve itself?
As a young elementary school teacher I wanted all students to feel loved and appreciated. I held back from giving certain directions because I didn’t want to make students feel disliked judged, humiliated or shamed. What I didn’t realize then that by not addressing a certain behavior directly and with clarity, I tacitly allowed the behavior to continue.
Do you have the same underlying thought that I did then: Do you believe that giving feedback sounds like correcting or criticizing and will make someone feel bad?
Do you fear being the dominating, aggressive or critical leader who puts down others and makes them feel small, so you don’t do anything? (That was me!)
Do you have the underlying thought that confronting problems only leads to arguments, hurt feelings and more conflict?
And that is what often happens.
But, it doesn’t have to happen that way.
So, how do you deal with negative issues without escalating conflict or making anyone feel put down?
It starts with changing your underlying beliefs and your approach.
Your underlying beliefs about why people show up the way they do will affect the entire organization and environment.
What you believe affects your actions which affects everything!
Below are three core beliefs that can totally change the way you show up in your leadership environment. I adopted these when I was leading an organization knowing that there was no one to advocate for me if any stakeholders got upset. I had to make sure that everyone had a positive experience even when I was redirecting them, giving feedback or disagreeing. I couldn’t take responsibility for their emotions or behaviors, but I could take responsibility for mine.
The beliefs that guided me:
I showed up with an open heart and accepted every person where she was. I did the internal work necessary so I could operate from a place of positive emotions. (Now I coach others how to do the same!)
When I needed to give a correction or direction, I assumed the position of the encourager who wanted them to succeed. I made it clear how my request connected to their individual or our collective success.
This doesn’t mean that they are always performing at their best. They may not be living up to their potential or performing at their best at each moment. With leader support and guidance “their best” improves.
Ah, I hear your questions:
“How am I supposed to stay calm and positive when the people I lead do something to upset me? They should see that they’re actions upset me!”
While it may be entirely valid for you to be upset, it is not necessarily productive or helpful for you to communicate from that place.
The clients I work with build the self-awareness and self-management that allows for these kinds of shift and consequently their influence and impact on the people that they serve increases. (Learn more about developing self-awareness in a previous blog.)
“But when if they really are slacking! Am I supposed to pretend that they are doing a good job?”
No, you don’t need to pretend. If you believe that you and the people you supervise are doing their best and working to succeed then you don’t see them as slacking. You get curious about why their work isn’t meeting their potential and you offer the support they need to support that gap. You challenge and support them to do better. (By the way, this works really well with teens too!)
By using a non-critical, non-judgmental tone and coming from real open curiosity the person has no reason to get defensive. They may tell you something happening in their life causing them stress, or even confess that they aren’t feeling great about their work.
They will let you in which opens the door to solving problems peacefully.
What are the underlying beliefs that drive the way you communicate with others about your shared work environment, growth opportunities and solving problems? What tools do you need to be the leader who turns problems into opportunities for connection and growth?
A couple of years ago after a not so great singing audition that shook my confidence, I started regular voice lessons again. One day in the voice lesson when we were preparing for an upcoming audition, my teacher said to me, “Stop trying to prove yourself. You’re there.”
I didn’t get it then, but she was right.
I had been trying to prove myself.
I had been trying to prove to myself
…that my voice was trustworthy,
…that I could sing with the same quality as others who had been doing this for longer
…that everyone who had ever criticized my voice and thought I wouldn’t be able to do it had been wrong.
I had been trying to prove to myself and others that I belonged onstage.
But how? How could I build that confidence?
Experience. I needed to just keep doing it. I would record the auditions and listen to them to hear how I sounded. My teacher noticed at first that I brought 50% of my voice to an audition. Then the percentage started to get higher. Some songs and auditions felt easier and I did better. Some were harder. I just kept going to auditions, to any event that would let me sing on stage. My confidence started to rebuild.
Even so, it wasn’t until reading https://mindsetonline.com/Carol Dweck’s book Mindset that I felt a significant shift in my own mindset. I already knew about the growth mindset and that students who considered success to be a result of hard work fared better than those who thought it was a result of a fixed trait like intelligence or a talent. But, I hadn’t ever realized that in the singing part of my life, I was working with the fixed mindset.
“Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you only have a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them.”
I recognized myself in Carol Dweck’s words.
Something in her words gave me permission to let go of proving anything, and I shifted to the growth mindset around performing.
Choosing to believe I am “there” changed the way I showed up and the way I did things. I can approach them wholeheartedly and with more courage. If I fail, it is a lesson to use for the next time. A small shift in mindset can create big changes.
What would change for you if you could have faith in yourself to grow and know that any current challenges are just bumps on the road along the way?
How might that change your behavior at this moment?
Contact me for a complimentary coaching session to find your right mindset and explore the underlying beliefs you may need to reach your goals.
A certified Positive Psychology coach, Leah works with people who want to upgrade their level of influence and impact to lead others towards a vision and a common goal.
I walked to my sixth-month review as the Director of Youth Education at the local temple wondering which programs would come up in the conversation.
Which aspects of the work I had been doing to build program infrastructure, family and holiday programs or improved communication between teachers and parents was going to be noticed?
I was stunned when the topics for discussion revolved around a handful of times when I had been less than perfectly friendly and hospitable to parents. The layperson who supervised my role had prepared for the meeting by asking people what they thought about me in an open-ended way that had invited them to share the moments when I had spoken matter of fact, abruptly or overzealously.
No one really knew how to recognize the work that I did, the quality of the programs, the changes in school culture, or any of the specifics of what had made those things successful.
It didn’t matter if the distracted and concerned look on my face was from the board asking me to let go of a staff person midyear in order save
It didn’t matter if the rule I had just reiterated to a parent existed for their children’s safety. Inevitably, no matter the cause, the next person I saw, would think my expression was about her and was intended for her. She might even have a reason and a story about me to go with it.
In the Jewish
Welcome each person with a pleasant and smiling face.
Well, that seems obvious that we would welcome people with a smile. Would I welcome them with a scowl? It’s when I was recently reading the research on how easily smiles and happiness can travel from person to person, that the true wisdom of Shammai’s teaching and its
Daniel Goleman explains in his book Social Intelligence:
Emotions flow with special strength from the more socially dominant person to the less. One reason is that people in any group naturally pay more attention and place more significance on what the most powerful person in that group says and does. That amplifies the force of whatever emotional message the leader may be sending, making her emotions particularly contagious
Especially as leaders, we need to be cognizant of the emotions we are bringing with us into each interaction and relationships. Our emotions will affect everyone in our organization.
We need to greet everyone with a genuine smile because they will catch our smile!
In this context, Shammai’s teaching seems brilliant to me!
In the last several years of working as a Director of Education in synagogue schools, I found it to be important to remember to always greet people with open receptivity. As long as I found a way to communicate with a genuine smile, everything went well.
(Did you get that part, “As long as I found a way?”)
How do you find a way to smile, to be open and receptive when there are stimulants in your environment or relationships making you feel otherwise?
How are you supposed to always have a genuinely happy smile when you are feeling and experiencing so many other things?
This is where self care and self management make a big difference. Not self management as in time management and organizational management, but in how you manage your own emotions.
In order to manage your own emotions, you need to develop an acute awareness of your own emotions.
To start try the exercise below:
How are you feeling right now in this moment?
Now inventory your physicality to see how this mood is showing up in your body.
What actions feels easiest to you right now? What do you have the urge to do?
Recognize the urges without giving into them.
You can do this a few different times during the day then try checking in with your body during moments of heightened emotions. Just by naming your emotions, noticing your physicality and your urges, you create a little bit of space between you as an observer and you as the experiencer of the emotion. In that space is the opportunity to make a choice to react to the moment, or to bring something new with you.
Contact me for a complimentary session to develop your self-awareness and self-management skills so that you can increase your impact and influence in your organization.
A certified Positive Psychology coach, Leah works with people who want to upgrade their level of influence and impact to lead others towards a vision and a common goal.