Stepping Stool Coaching – Step Up Your Conversations To Reach New Heights
“That’s just how it is,” says my friend about his family.
Is that what you believe about your family also?
Or is it with work where you say, “Well, that’s life.”
I get it.
We don’t know it can be any different.
For me, it was my husband who helped me see things differently.
We were college age, and he was a new boyfriend, over at my house for a Friday night dinner for the first time. He noticed something about the “discussion” at the table. Mostly, that I didn’t feel too good about it afterwards.
“That’s how it is,” is what I said. I explained how I brought up topics that I wanted to share and my dad always had a way of shooting down my opinion and making his own sound like the winner.
“Hmm. But, you don’t have to argue with him if it doesn’t feel good,” my husband pointed out.
That’s when the insight hit.
Oh, it DIDN’T have to be this way. I could change how I engaged in the conversation.
That began a process of change for me.
Now here is the surprising thing that happened when I stopped engaging in those conversations the same way: I kinda I missed something from those conversations with my dad. I know he did too.
It turns out I was wrong about “That’s how it is.”
What I thought was “what is” was “That’s how we connect.”
The discussion in its unevenness WAS the relationship.
Even though I didn’t feel great afterwards, I did feel connected.
That was what I missed.
That’s the hard thing about family.
We have patterns of communicating that are how we have the relationship.
We don’t really think about it.
And, most of the time this patterns of communication, what i call our scripts, have been inherited.
My dad’s way of having a discussion with me was very similar to how my dad had relationships with the people in his family or origin.
It was, and still is, very common in my extended family to discuss a topic and to share disagreements.
Some family members have certain moves that they do to get their idea heard more or to show that they are right. Some are more forceful than others.
It is a way of connecting, and isn’t intended to make anyone feel bad.
Part of what had made me feel bad was that I wanted to share ideas with my dad and hear his approval. I wanted to hear something like, “I see what your’e saying, Leah. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Good for you!”
But, I wasn’t going to get that.
Why not?
Because my dad didn’t know I needed it! He engaged with me from his point of view and needs, unaware of mine.
My dad is a very sweet, tender man who loves his family very much, but can also be stern and forceful when it feels necessary to him.
As a young adult, I was more aware of wanting approval from the stern and forceful authority side of my dad than of my dad’s tender side wanting to connect with me.
So, how did I change the dynamic?
I stopped engaging in arguments that didn’t feel good.
And, I found new ways to connect with my dad.
It turned out that something I thought, “That’s just how it is” was changeable.
Where in your life are you accepting a relationship as “That’s just how it is” where maybe it could be different? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or you can get in touch here.
Leah Zimmerman is an Intergenerational Resolving Conflict Expert and Family Business Advisor who makes hard conversations easy. She blends her background in education, theater, personal development and spirituality to create transformational conversations for individuals, teams and families. Find Leah on Linkedin at to learn more.
© 2023 by Stepping Stool Coaching by Leah Zimmerman. Proudly created with DOT IT SERVICES
Leah helped me to identify root cause, understand my needs, and explore the opportunities for growth. She has an encouraging word to share, an open mind, and a listening ear which allowed me to feel supported while being coached!
Leah helped me clarify my sense of purpose and how I can best manifest my strengths. She asked insightful questions that helped me see where my thinking was limiting my horizons. She gave me specific strategies to help me flourish in my current position while nurturing my exploration of a new opportunity and giving me the extra support I really needed.
Leah was able to understand me on a deeper level than even my therapist! And she helped me to think of my issues in a very positive light. I felt that her feedback and ability to articulate my deeper feelings and fears helped me to strategize how to better respond to situations and create opportunities to more authentically live my life.
Leah was most valuable by helping me to see the positive side of my current situation so that I feel more excited and up to the challenge of figuring out my next steps. She helped me to see how I allow certain specific fears to hold me back, and helped me better understand and set new goals for my personal growth. I ended the session with some concrete tasks that I believe will help me to figure out my next steps.
Leah was excellent in assesing my current state of emotions. As I was feeling a bit anxious about my current tasks at hand i.e. work, kids, household duties, she really heped me to meditate and focus on my ultimate goal which was to be fully present with my family despite what else is going on. It brought me such a wonderful sense of peace that I was able to carry that throughout the day. I am still mindful of my importance of being present and it is something I am constantly working on.
Leah’s unique ability to calmly and lovingly help me to focus on my struggles in a positive way was empowering. She helped me to realize that, just as light dispels darkness, positive affirmations are more galvanizing than my damaging, negative thoughts. Her direction toward a more constructive, optimistic approach is a huge step in the right direction for me!
Leah is a great coach! Her gentle and positive approach has helped me gain insights to become better at handling day to day challenges. She encourages me to be the best I can be!
The session was really easy & conversational, but Leah focused on real core issues & goals though the conversation was wide-ranging. All the insights were truly my own. It was a very rewarding experience!
Leah is an excellent listener who quickly draws insights from a lot of information and helped me to do the same. She was very good at getting me to recognize and value my accomplishments while also encouraging development and implementation of plans to continue to move forward.
Leah’s way of coaching is like that of the best directors. They don’t tell a performer or show them how to play a scene or deliver a line, they ask questions, suggest alternative perspectives, and direct the performer to discover the best performance s/he can deliver. If you want someone who can direct you toward becoming your best version of you, then you couldn’t ask for a better coach.
WOW! The last 6-months have been a game changer! I began coaching with Leah in February 2020, with some very simple goals: organization, time management, etc. But what I got instead was a life-changing perspective on how to run my business on my terms. Before coaching with Leah I was feeling stuck in running my business (I’m a full time Voice Actor, Coach, and Producer). I felt like I was running an uphill battle – I felt tired most days, and honestly I was facing major burnout. But when I started with Leah all of that changed – yes we covered the basic – how to simplify my life in order to make space for the things that matter, but we also dug so much deeper. Through guided meditations, prompts, and asking all the right questions, Leah was able to push past the BS and find the heart of what was holding me back. We’ve worked intensely on releasing blocks, clearing away negative money mindsets, and finding my own empowerment so that I can lead my business as that – a leader. Working with Leah has pushed me leaps and bounds closer to achieving everything I want in life. She accelerates your path by helping you clear the path. I am so grateful to her. She is kind, compassionate, offers fresh perspectives, and isn’t afraid to probe you to find the real reason you may be self-sabotaging. I can’t recommend her enough. This has been absolutely life changing.
Leah provided my team and I with a big boost. In a small family business in generational transition, there’s lots of communication challenges to work through. Leah helped us make sure communication lines between generational leaders and staff stay effective, clear and kind. Leah’s skill for identifying and discussing the real issues in a way that makes sure everyone is heard and respected helps us determine the best next steps and commit as a team. I also felt and saw Leah’s coaching impact other areas of my life positively, from parenting to marriage, some of her techniques even helped my golf game somehow. The return on investment for our company and team was extraordinary and I’m grateful for her help. Leah also made sure to check in often after our engagement to see how things are going and be helpful. While I hope our communication remains at a high level, she’s a first and easy call when we’re navigating something tough.
Wow, we’ve done a lot together! From working with you, I have found how to follow my own authentic voice instead of my highly rational mind. I’ve become aware and focused on what’s truly important to me. When we started, I was struggling with how to feel more optimistic about my life. I was overwhelmed with new transitions coming at me: separating from my husband, starting my own business unexpectedly, my new role as a single mom and significant changes in my friendships. You provided a space where I could be authentic, vulnerable and completely understood in non-judgmental way. You got it. Your particular ability to say back to me in a new and sort of optimistic way what I am thinking helped me to see my life in a much more positive new way. You could see the essence of what’s going on which enabled me to get to the heart of the matter. You fed it back to me in a way that resonated that led me to look at it closer and examine it until I found out how I authentically felt about it. I learned a new way to motivate myself in a work setting. I lightened up on myself. The insight you gave me into parenting was spot on and extremely useful and I’ve seen results on that. One of the biggest things I learned from you. I had a complete confusion about what I thought I should thought I should be doing as a parent as opposed to letting go of that control, allowing my kid to be who she is and supporting that. My relationship with my daughter has really improved, we are much closer. I am much more relaxed as a parent.