One of my clients was having a stressful time.
So, she called her mother for support.
But, instead of empathy and support, she received unwanted reprimand and advice that made her feel two inches tall.
Has that ever happened to you where you didn’t get what you needed from someone?
Maybe it wasn’t family.
Maybe it was someone you supervise?
You asked someone on the team to create a document with all the information you needed.
But, the document was clearly missing important data.
Or, they didn’t get it done on time.
Does any of that sound familiar to you?
So, what can you do to get more of what you want from a conversation?
While the daughter isn’t responsible for her mother’s end of the conversation, there is something she can do to have a smoother conversation and get what she needs in the future.
ONE: She has to identify her expectations.
TWO: Communicate her expectations.
The same with the manager.
ONE: Identify what you expect to be in the document.
TWO: Communicate those expectations.
In this blog, I am going to uncover for you some of the hidden expectations that sabotage conversations.
I will share how you can uncover them and how you communicate your expectations more clearly so that you can make sure that you are more likely to get what you need from the conversation.
How can you recognize if your expectations are staying hidden and interfering in your communications?
You are typically thinking something that sounds like this:
- “She should be able to support and comfort me!”
- “They should be able to follow their common sense!”
- “They should be able to get their work done properly/on time without me having to hold their hands.”
- “They should listen to me and care about what I have to say!”
- “They should do what’s right.”
- “I shouldn’t have to….”
- “He should tell me if he heard me….”
If fact, any judgment that you are having about someone else and what they should do or have done is a clue to your hidden expectations.
Usually beneath the explicit thought in your mind are more entrenched expectations based on your personal needs, values and previous experiences.
- They should know how to do what we want them to do.
- They should approve of us.
- They should be more fair.
- They should care more.
- They should appreciate us.
- They should care about things the same way that we do.
- They should communicate clearly with us!
- I shouldn’t have to say that…
Now that you understands how these “should” thoughts can be clues to hidden expectations, what do you do about them?
Solving this issue can be tricky, but it’s not hard.
PART I Take some time to identify your expectations.
(And, if you’re rolling your eyes thinking that you don’t have time, then you definitely need to do this. Because everything happens with more ease and less time when you take time to clear with YOURSELF first.)
Step 1:
- Write down what you think someone should be doing.
- Write what the behavior SHOULD look like in as much detail as possible.
Step 2:
Look at what you’ve written to identify expectations.
- What do you assume and expect the other person to think?
- What do you assume and expect the other person to feel?
- What do you assume and expect them to do?
- What knowledge do you expect them to have?
Step 3:
Ask yourself, “what else?”
What are you hoping for, wishing for, wanting from the other person?
The more you take time to write reflect, get clear, and write this down in as much detail as you can, the better you will be at communicating your expectations. Because when you are clear for yourself, it’s much easier to set clear expectations for others.
This doesn’t have to be done all at once.
You can develop and grow these expectations as you get clearer on what you want from others.
PART II How to communicate your expectations.
Turn your expectation into a clear REQUEST.
For example: the client who was frustrated with her mother’s response realized that what she wanted and expected from her mother was comfort.
She expected support. She hoped the parent would see her perspective and offer empathy.
Once she realized what she really wanted and expected, we could work together to create a request that felt right and communicated what she needed
The next time she wants empathy and support, she can say to her Mom: “Mom, I am coming to you for empathy and support. Can you be available to offer that to me today?’
(And, yes, some people cannot meet our expectations, but that’s a different blog for another day.)
If you are giving an assignment to a team member, you can say:
“Here is what I expect to this to look like when it’s done.”
“I expect to to be able to look and see all the information on our recent clients, how much they paid us, and how much we spent to serve them. It needs to be easy to read so that I can grab the information right away.”
OR
“I am asking for this graphic design to be ready on such and such date. I need it ready to go so that I can move forward with the next step. So, can you send me a draft by such and such date? Can you also make it easy for me to access if I just want to tweak it a little bit?’
Hopefully, if you’ve read this far, you have had some kind of insight about how and where you can adapt and apply these ideas to your own circumstances.
But, if you feel stuck and it isn’t working,
No worries!
I’m here to help.
I offer a complimentary Clarity Call where I will ask questions and guide you through your own thinking so that you have clarity around your expectations and exactly what you want and need to communicate.
For more information about the Clarity Call and to see if you quality, click here.
You can also visit my website to learn how I help my clients.